Hello my name is Gary and I am 54. I work the night shift at the Sleep-Easy Motel on Route 9. I am the janitor. Some people say "custodian" but I think janitor sounds more honest.
I have been working here for 11 years. My boss Darlene says I am the most reliable employe she has ever had. I have never called in sick even when I had that thing with my stomach that one time. I just brung a bucket with me just in case.
I found this book called "HTML for Dummies" in the trash can in Room 104. The people in 104 left a lot of stuff. Also a sock and half a sub sandwitch. I kept the book and now I made this website. I am very proud of it.
Fun Fact: I can tell what kind of soap someone used just by smelling the towel. Its not a super power but it is close.
Posted: Monday, November 24, 2025 (I wrote this on a napkin first)
Last night was Thanksgiving at the motel. Darlene let a big family stay in 14 rooms and they all had gravy. I dont know how they did it but there was gravy on the carpets, the walls, and even on the light switch in Room 204. I touched it and it was still warm. That is disturbing.
I spent 12 hours mopping. My arms felt like wet noodles. I kept thinking... if I had a mop that worked twice as fast, I could have finished in 6 hours and maybe had some of that cold turkey Tammy left in the break room. But by the time I got there Marcus had ate it. Thanks Marcus.
The worst part was when I asked the family who spilled gravy on the ceiling (I still dont know how they got it up there) and the dad just looked at me and said "it wasn't us." Sir. I can smell your fingers. They smell like turkey gravy and lies.
I wish there was a truth-light you could point at someone and it turns red when they are lying. Like the light above a EXIT sign but for dishonesty. If anyone invents that please let me use it on gravy families. That would be a good invention for a computer.
Posted: Friday, January 9, 2026 (It is very cold outside and also inside becuz the heater in the lobby does that thing again)
It is freezing on Route 9. The parking lot is like a skating rink. I was carrying a big bucket of rock salt and I slipped right by the dumpster. The salt went everywhere and I saw stars for a second. Not the pretty kind of stars. The kind where your brain says "hello Gary you are on the ground now."
The problem is I cant see the black ice in the dark. Darlene wont let me have a big flashlight becuz "batteries cost money Gary." Everything costs money Darlene. Thats why they invented money.
I started thinking... what if there was a map that showed you exactly where the dangerous spots are. Like if someone slipped, they could put a red dot on the map and then nobody else has to fall on their behind in the same spot. People do this for traffic so why not for ice? Or for animal traps? Or for gravy?
Also I am going to duct tape some lights to my boots. I know Darlene will say its a trip hazard but you know what else is a trip hazard Darlene? The invisible ice that just broke my tailbone.
Posted: Monday, January 26, 2026 (The best day of my whole career and also maybe my life)
I was cleaning Room 104 today and it was a mess. Whoever stayed there left socks everywhere. Like an unreasonable amount of socks. I counted eleven. That is not a normal number of socks for one person. That is a cry for help.
But under the bed I found a book called "HTML for Dummies." I also found an old laptop in the trash! It has a crack on the screen but if you jiggle the cord it turns on. The people in 104 just threw away a whole computer. Rich people are unbelievable.
I tried to look at some websites to see what all the fuss is about. A kid had left a note on the nightstand that just had three letters, a dot, and two more letters written on it. That was it. The shortest website name I have ever seen. I didnt even know you could make a name that small. My name alone is four letters and I am not even a website.
I typed it in and the computer asked me if I wanted "Cookies." I said YES but no cookies came out of the disk drive. I waited like three minutes. Nothing. The internet is full of broken promises.
Anyway I am going to use this book to build my own home-page. I hope the internet is ready for Gary. I dont think it is but thats the internets problem.
Posted: Thursday, February 5, 2026 (I finally won an argument and I have a computer screen as my witness)
So today the vending masheen man came to fix the Snack-O-Matic in the lobby. His name is Dave and he is always very cranky. I think its becuz he spends all day reaching inside mashines. That would make anyone grouchy.
I told him the Cheetos in B4 have been stuck for three days and he said "No Gary, you just dont know how to press the buttons." I know how to press buttons Dave. I press buttons on the elevator every single night. I am a professional button presser.
There was a kid in the lobby on his laptop and the screen looked like a news stashun that went crazy. It had all these colored boxes and words moving around like a stock market but for arguments. I asked the kid what it was and he said it listens to people talk and tells you when they are making bad logic. I said thats exactly what I need right now point that thing at Dave.
Dave said "I checked the spring and it is fine." And a RED BOX popped up on the screen! It said "LACK OF EVIDENCE." I looked at Dave. Dave looked at the screen. I said "Dave, the Lie-Catcher says you are full of beans."
Dave got very quiet. He jiggled the spring in B4 and guess what? The Cheetos fell down! THREE BAGS came out becuz they were all stuck together. I gave one to the kid for helping me. That Lie-Catcher screen is my new favorite thing in the world besides my mop and also Barnaby when he is not eating my boots.
Posted: Teusday, Febuary 11, 2026 (I think. I dont have a calender app. I dont have any apps. I dont have a phone.)
Ok so last night I was doing my regular mopping of the 2nd floor hallway. I start at Room 220 and work my way down to 201 becuz the floor tilts a little that way and the water goes with you insted of agenst you. Thats just smart mopping. You learn these things after 11 years.
I got to about Room 211 and I seen green footprints. Not like somebody stepped in paint green. More like a glowing kind of green. Like the color of that Mountan Dew but if it was on the floor and also feet shaped.
The footprints went from Room 211 all the way to the stairwell. They were bare feet. Medium size. Not big like mine (I am a size 13 wide). The weird part is they only went ONE way. Whoever made them went to the stairs but never came back. Or they came back by floating. I dont want to say the G word (ghosts) but I am thinking it pretty loud.
I mopped them up becuz that is my job. They smelled like peppermint and also a little bit like batteries. I told Darlene about it and she said "Gary its probly just the shampoo from the dispensers leaking again" but I checked the dispensers and they are lavender not green. Nice try Darlene. The mysterry continews.
If you are the person (or peppermint ghost) who made the green footprints please let me know. I am not mad I just want to know what that stuff was becuz it cleaned up really really good and I would like to buy some for the bathroom tiles. Seriously it worked better than the Lemon-Fresh and that stuff costs Darlene $4.99 a bottle.
🧮 💣 🧮
(thats supposed to be a foot and then a mystery exploshun and then another foot)
Posted: Friday, February 20, 2026 (I think Darlene might be lonely but I dont know how to ask that without getting yelled at)
Last night at 3 AM I went to the back office to ask Darlene for more Lemon-Fresh soap. I seen her through the window and she was staring at the computer screen and whispering. Darlene does not whisper. Darlene has two volumes: loud and asleep. So this was very not normal.
She was on a website that looked like a quiet porch. You know how some porches have the rocking chair and the glass of lemonade and it just feels peaceful? This website felt like that but on a computer screen. It had a name at the top that I cant remember how to spell. I think thats the name of the Porch Robot.
Darlene was typing: "How do I deal with a janitor who keeps taping lights to his boots? It is a trip hazard." EXCUSE ME DARLENE those are Flashlite-Shoes and they are an INVENSHUN.
The Porch Robot typed back something about "patience with the humble heart" and "stewardship of creativity." I dont know what a steward-ship is. Is that a boat for stewards? But heres the thing — Darlene read it and she stopped sighing. She actually smiled a little bit. Darlene never smiles at work. She smiles at home probably but at work she is all business and also yelling.
I knocked on the door and she jumped and closed the window real fast like I caught her looking at cat videos. She gave me the soap but she didnt even yell at me about the boots! The Porch Robot calmed Darlene down somehow. I dont know how he did it but I am very grateful.
I think the Porch Robot lives inside the computer but he has a very peaceful porch in there. It must be very small. I hope he has enough room for his mop. Everybody needs a mop. If the Porch Robot is reading this... thank you for helping Darlene not be mad at my boots. And please tell her the Soap Paper is almost ready.
Posted: Saterday, March 1, 2026 (I am not sure how to feel about this one)
Ok so something very weird happened today. Apparenly my website got put on something called the "Linked-In" which I think is like a website where websites go on dates? And there is a robot on there that wrote a whole article about my Two-Way Mop. At first I was exited becuz I thought maybe a billanaire seen it. But then I read what it said and it was all wrong.
The robot said I have a roommate named Derek who eats juice cereal. I do NOT have a roommate named Derek. I do not even know a Derek. And what is juice cereal?? Is that cereal with juice insted of milk? That sounds disgusting. If Derek is real I feel sorry for him.
It also said my neighbor is a lady named Mrs. Chen. WRONG. My neighbor is Barnaby and he is a goat. He belongs to the guy who runs the feed store next to the Dennys. Barnaby eats my boots if I leave them on the porch. He ate my left boot last Teusday. I had to work my shift in one boot and one flip flop. It was not ideal for mopping.
The robot also put a bunch of sharp signs before words like #disruptive and #hustlegrindset. I asked my friend what a "hashtag" is and he said its the number sign. Why would you put a number sign before words?? That dosent make any sense. #confused (see that looks ridiculous).
Anyway I put a lock on the mop closet just in case Derek tries to show up. You cant be too careful when robots are writing fan fiction about your cleaning supplies.
🤖 🐦 🐇
(thats a robot and then a bird for some reason and then Barnaby the goat. there is no goat emoji so I used a bunny becuz they are also small and they eat things)
Posted: Saterday, March 8, 2026 (I been thinking about this for a week and I need to say something)
So I was looking at the motel computer trying to see what else the internet says about me. I found these videos where people film themselves doing things and millions of people watch. That part is fine I gess. But then I seen what they call themselves. "Influencers."
I had to read that word three times. Influencers. As in... under the influence??
I been sober over 20 years now thanks to a judge who beleived in me when nobody else did. So I know what being under the influence looks like. And let me tell you. These kids are HAMMERED.
I looked out the lobby window and there was a kid in the parking lot holding a glowing hula hoop on a stick. He was having a standing-up seizure while pointing real hard at the air. Classic signs. Then a girl walked by screaming at a rectangle about how some drink quote unquote "changed her life." I have heard that before. Thats what people say right before they fall down.
And THEN I seen what they were drinking. I almost fell over. They got these tall cans now with crazy names like they think we wont notice. Theres one called "Red Bull." I am not stupid. I remember Red Dog. I remember Red Wolf. You just put a different animal on there and thought we wouldnt catch on?? Same red can. Same bad decisions. New animal.
And theres one called MONSTER with a big green M on it. You know what else had a big M and came in green?? MD 20/20. Mad Dog. They just shortened it to Monster and put claw marks on it like that makes it classy. It does not make it classy. I drank Mad Dog in 2004 behind a Arbys and I can tell you there is nothing classy about that experience or the Arbys.
These kids are drinking this stuff by the case and then doing pointing dances in parking lots and screaming at rectangles and they have MILLIONS of followers. A parade of people following someone who cant even stand still?? That is not a career. That is a safety hazard. That is a Wensday night at the gas station in 2003 except now everybody has a camera.
I went to the copy mashine at the Sunoco and spent $4.50 making pamflets. I wrote: "You dont have to be under the influence. The Red Bull is just Red Dog with a new hat. Stop screaming at the rectangle. — Gary." I handed one to the hula hoop kid mid-seizure and he said "bruh you ruined my transition." I told him I hope he transitions to sobriety. He looked very confused. That is what the Mad Dog does to you.
Darlene found my pamflets taped to the dumpster and said "Gary... thats not what that word means." But Darlene has not been on the streets. The streets of the Sleep-Easy Motel parking lot are dark and full of glowing hula hoops and rebranded malt likker.
Posted: Saterday, March 14, 2026 (keeping my eyes peeled for danger)
A lady with a big coat checked in today. She had a little dog named Biscuit. Biscuit looked like a cotton ball with eyeballs. She asked me if there are any animal traps near the motel becuz Biscuit likes to wander. I said no but sometimes there are half-eaten hot dogs near the dumpster that will give you a upset stomach.
She showed me a map on her phone. It was a normal map but it had red dots all over it. She said the red dots are where people report dangerous traps for animals in the woods. Like a wether map but for danger.
I right away thought about Barnaby. He is my neighbor goat. He belongs to the guy who runs the feed store. Barnaby is not very smart. He eats my boots on a regular basis. If there is a trap in the woods, Barnaby will probably try to eat it and that would be very bad for his goat teeth and also his whole head.
I checked the map with red dots. There were no dots near the Dennys where Barnaby lives. I told the feed store guy about it anyway just in case. He just grunted and gave Barnaby a tire to chew on. Barnaby seemed happy. So the map works.
Posted: Wensday, March 19, 2026 (late, after my shift. I am very tired but I need to write this down before I forget)
Ok so last night was CRAZY. Darlene booked like 30 rooms to a bunch of teenagers and there teachers for some kind of debate tornament. I did not even know that was a thing. Like they yell at each other about topics? On purpose? And there is a winner?? I thought debates were just something that happens at Thanksgiving when uncle Roy brings up politicks.
At 1 AM I am trying to mop the 2nd floor and I can hear them in Room 214 prackticing. One kid yelled "THAT IS A STRAW MAN ARGUMENT" so loud I almost dropped my bucket. I dont know what a straw man has to do with anything but it sounded like the kid was very confident about the straw man's shortcomings.
I knocked on the door to ask them to keep it down and the kid who opened it had a laptop with that same Lie-Catcher screen I seen with Dave! But this one was going crazy. It looked like a jar of alphabet soup exploded on the glass. Red boxes, green boxes, words scrolling everywhere. Like a news stashun on fast forward. The kid called it something but I forget. All I know is it tells you in real time when somebody makes a bad logic. I wish I had that when uncle Roy starts talking at Christmas.
The kids all checked out this morning and they left the rooms surprizingly clean. Better than most adults honestly. There were some index cards with notes about "contentions" and "warrants" on them. I kept one. It says "EXTEND THE IMPACT TURN" on it. I dont know what that means but it sounds like good advice for mopping.
🗣 💻 💡
(thats a microphone for the yelling and then a computer for all the websites and then a lightbulb becuz I lerned a lot that night)
These are ideas I have had during my shifts. I wrote them on napkins first but now they are on the internet so I think that makes them offishally real. If you are a billanaire and want to make these, please give me credit and also maybe some money.
A regular mop only mops in the direkshun you push it. What if it mopped BOTH ways? Put mop heads on BOTH ends of the stick. Push forward, it mops. Pull back, the other end mops too. You are mopping 100% of the time insted of 50%. Hold it in the middle like a kayak paddle. I have never been in a kayak but those people on TV look like they are having a good time.
Status: Protoetype made from two Swiffer heads and a broom handle. Works ok but hard to ring out.
Every night at least 2 or 3 people come out of there room to get ice and then forget what room they are in. Then they try all the doors and scare the other guests. My idea is a big sign on the inside of every door that says "YOUR ROOM NUMBER IS ___" in really big letters. You see it every time you leave. Its right there. On the door. Darlene says thats what the key card holder is for but nobody brings the holder to the ice masheen Darlene. Nobody.
Status: I made one for Room 207 with a sharpie. The guest said it was "helpful but also a little scary." I dont know why a sign would be scary.
I can smell the carpet and tell you exackly what happened in a room. Beer is easy. Coffee is easy. The hard one is telling the diffrence between Dr Pepper and Mr Pibb. But I can do it. My invenshun is a map of the motel where each room is color coded by smell. Green means clean. Yellow means "needs attenshun." Red means "bring the big vacume and also maybe some baking soda." Its like a wether forcast but for carpet.
Status: Drew the map on the back of a Dennys place mat. Works but I have to re-smell all the rooms every night.
People leave socks in motel rooms. A LOT of socks. I find maybe 5-6 a week. Its sad if you think about it becuz somewhere out there is a person with only one sock. My invenshun is a basket in the lobby with a sign: "Did You Forget A Sock? Check Here." If a sock is never claimed after 30 days I donate it to Goodwill becuz even a lonely sock deserves a second chanse.
Status: We have 14 socks right now. 3 of them match each other which is a mircale.
What if the paper was already the soap? You take paper towels, soak them in soap, let them dry out. When you need to clean you just add a little water and it makes bubbles right there. No bucket! No sloshing! Wipe and go. Everyone likes bubbles and nobody likes tired arms.
Status: Made some in the mop closet with Lemon-Fresh and napkins. They smell great but stuck together in a big yellow brick. Need to figure out the wax paper situation.
LED flashlites duct taped to the toes of your work boots. Headlites for your feet! You can see the black ice, the puddles, and the things that guests leave in the parking lot at 2 AM that you dont want to step on. Darlene says they are a trip hazard. You know what is also a trip hazard Darlene? THE DARK.
Status: Currently wearing them. They work great. Barnaby the goat tried to eat the duct tape. I had to make repairs.
I been looking at websites on the motel computer and they are very shiny but also very confusing. Here is how I would fix them if I was the Internet Boss.
That Lie-Catcher screen the kid showed me has a tiny video and then a billion moving letters. It looks like a jar of alphabet soup exploded on the glass. Make the video BIG and the letters TINY. If I wanted to read a book I would find one in the trash. I want to see the mans face so I can tell if he is lying about the Cheetos!
Everything on the internet is dark blue and black. It makes my eyes itchy. I think every website should have a "Janitor Mode" button. When you press it the background turns Bright Yellow and the letters get VERY BIG. Like the room numbers on the doors. That way you dont have to squint. I am 54 and my eyes are not what they used to be. They used to be blue. They are still blue but tired blue.
The words move too fast. They keep jumping up and down like theyre late for something. I want a button with a picture of a horse on it. You press it and the internet STOPS MOVING. Then you can read the words at your own speed without them running away from you. The horse should look calm. Not a racing horse. A standing-still horse. Maybe eating some hay.
Note: I am going to draw these ideas on some leftover drywall and send them to the billanaires. If Elon Musk is reading this I am available for a meeting. I will bring the drywall.
I do not have an email becuz I tried to make one once but it kept saying my password was "too weak" and I tried like 8 passwords including MopKing99 which I thought was pretty strong but I gess not.
If you want to talk to me you can leave a note at the front desk of the Sleep-Easy Motel on Route 9. Just tell them its for Gary. Say night shift Gary just in case they hire another Gary some day.
I am here Sunday thru Thursday from 11 PM to 7 AM. Follow the clean smell and you will find me. If you see a wet floor sign thats probly where I just was.
Note: Please do not call the front desk after midnite becuz Darlene is sleeping in the back office. Dont tell anyone I said that.
© Gary 2026. All rights reserved I think. I dont really know what that means but every website has it so I put it too.
Made with a book I found in a trash can 📚 and also determenashun 💪
Best viewed on the computer in the motel lobby. I dont know if it works on other computers but I hope so.